A happy memory

As I write this I'm lying on my back on a Hollywood Land sidewalk in California Adventure Land. Steve, Michelle and Carin are on Tower of Terror without me (cries), and I'm resting my weary body.

I found myself thinking about a little Disney memory from a few months bak. We were in Critter Country, Nat and I waiting for Steve to get off Splash Mountain, she in her stroller, me sitting next to her. When along hops Tigger. He Had just finished a photo session with people, including us, and was heading back to rest his bouncy head. He sees Nat and I and bounces up to us, crouching in front of Nat in her stroller and he started playing with her. High fives, kisses, patty cake. Just playing with my kid.

She LOVED it, as did I, and we shared this wonderful little moment of Tigger time.

Then I hear this clicking, and look to my right, to find a wall of tourists standing there taking a hundred pictures of the three of us. Um...hi strangers!

Tigger kissed us goodbye and bounced away, followed by the Tourist Wall wanting his attention, but he escaped into a private area.

It was magical.
-Mags

The Lame End of 2011.

The end of 2011 seemed intent on being a total C to me & my family.

I've considered how to write this out and blog it, wither or not I should, for some time now. But I feel like it's been waiting to be said, even in a short way, just to be free from me. So here goes.

I had a miscarriage the week of Thanksgiving.

I was somewhere around 6-9 weeks pregnant when it happened, I had a due date, I had told so many people, and bam... I could go into such detail about what happened and how, but I just don't want to. I don't want to revisit the heart breaking emotion of that week. It was shitty all around, and it lasted a whole week, which made things even worse. I had to go to the ER twice and deal with the worst people there, I had to tell family and friends, I had to have a D&C (Which essentially is an operation to remove...it...), and I spent a great amount of time crying. After my D&C, the day before Thanksgiving, I had a sore throat for another week and a bruise on my arm for even longer from the IV. Needless to say I was happy to be done with is all.

Steve was an angel through the whole thing, bless him. He was pretty torn up as well but he took great care of me. My dear friend Tina was also a complete Godsend. She took care of telling people for me, she watched Nat for a whole day while I was in hospital, she made us dinner and was just there for support. I honestly don't know how we would have survived without her.

And Natalie...precious Natalie...made everything better. One reason I was able to survive the week and get on with life was her. For all the emotions of failure and guilt, heartache and pain, she is perfect living proof that I can make life. I know the miscarriage wasn't my fault. I know it was just nature taking care of a pregnancy gone wrong. But knowing that doesn't make going through it any easier. Still Natalie made it better. I had to be strong for her. I had to keep going, keep breathing and being a Mommy for her. Plus it helped when she would hug and kiss me. Baby cuddles are an amazing cure all.

It happened, and it sucked. But life had to go on, so go on it did.

Then less than three weeks later I lost my job.

I'm not kidding when I say the end of the year was a real See You Next Tuesday (think about it). There had to be layoffs and due to a lame technicality from my maternity leave with Nat, I had the last hire date and thus was the first to go. I had been with that company since 2008, had the most experience in my department, and about 90 customers that were my own, but still lost my job. Needless to say I cried a lot more. I'm not going to badmouth them, there is no need or reason to, I get why I was the one to go. But I will say that come spring and summer when they need my experience and ability, they are going to be sorry I'm not there.

I'm going to miss my customers. I wish I could have said goodbye to them properly, instead of however they were told I was gone. Some were proper friends, and I wish I could tell them how much I loved working with them. I know a few read my blog and I hope they see this and know that I'm ok, I'll find something else that is different and awesome, and I will miss them.

I will miss my manager Heath, and Eve and America and Jennifer. I won't miss the stress, the worry, and the general lameness. I won't miss the daily drive that took me half way across the bloody planet. I won't miss our amazing Used Book guy Rick, because I totally insisted we keep on being goofy friends who email each other all the time. So I still have him to be a total nerd with, which makes me happy.

I'll find another job. I'm terrified but not worried. It sucks that in 3 weeks I was made a statistic twice and in the worst ways, but that's just a way of life I guess. I took December to enjoy being at home and come the new year I'm getting on with work.

Then at Christmas, because of the Rule of Threes, I got a right proper Cold that kept me more or less miserable for a week. On top of that Natalie had a cold at the same time, so the 23-26 there wasn't much sleeping for any of us. As awful as I felt, having a baby with a fever makes everything worse. Again Steve, healthy as a horse, had to tend to us and did so brilliantly. Natalie is better, and I have a lingering stuffy nose, but the year got one last jab in on us.

It wasn't a bad year, nor was it an especially good one. It was a normal year of life, with ups and downs. It's lame the year ended on such bad notes, but we've survived them all. We had a good Christmas besides being sick. All our Birthdays were awesome and happy. We had silly weekend adventures and Friday Night Dinners and fun with friends and lots of love and good movies and laughter and joy. It was life. It was lovely and joyful and stupid.

I hope 2012 is a proper good year. I hope I can find work, Steve can keep going with his school work and Natalie stays healthy and happy. I hope life stays quiet and joyful, and that the bad stays away.

Natalie is sleeping, Steve is listening to music and I'm getting my hair chopped off later. Tonight is a special Saturday Night Dinner and tomorrow is a small get together of some of my lovely Blogger friends. So it's time to wander off. It feels good to get the bad out of me, and to get on with life.

Happy New Years my lovelies!
-Mags

Disney Birthday Fun Times

Yesterday, the 27th, I celebrated my upcoming birthday at Disneyland. It was a beautiful day, long, full of laughter and silliness. I spent it in the company of 3 people I love, which made the day all so much better.

Instead of a wall of words, I thought I'd post some pictures of the glorious day.

<3 Mags

A Year and Some Odd Days

Hiya!

Ok, so it's been a while, and there should be no excuse for the long time between blogging but there is and deal with it. Life gets busy, and blah blah blah. Pretend I was kidnapped by monsters or off on the TARDIS or just in general being lazy.

But, life has been going on, as it is want to do. And when I last left you I was going on and on about Matt Smith and how my daughter was six months old.

Now she is a year old. My kid...is a year old. What?! Because she was a wee little infant and now she's this:

My little girl, all one and stuff. She still has big blue eyes and a goofy smile and a lot of hair. But now she has 5 (almost 6!) teeth and can walk and she climbs EVERYTHING and fusses when she doesn't get her way and is just an all around nut. And I love her so very much. 

Work is still work and the busy season was especially the worst. Now it's slowing down and we have lost most of our temp staff. I'm giving up my pumping breaks at the end of the month, which makes my heart weep and so very not happy. But it is time to wean, and that is the first step. I have nursed for over a year, which makes me wicked proud, especially while still working full time. Way to go, boobs!

I've been working on my Stories a lot more, mostly finding any moment to type in a sentence or chapter into my phone. I have become determined to write the first book, and make myself complete at least 80% of a chapter before moving on. I'm a wee bit stuck on Chapter 3, but only because sometimes you just don't want to write or your brain won't let you think of anything else but fifth book stuff. Stupid brain.

Annnnd....well, that's the lot of it. Of course there are silly and useless pop culture things to discuss (Which I mostly do on my Tumblr).
And there are new obsessions (Tom Hiddleston, I <3 you. So. MUCH.Y U SO PRETTY?!).
And the world at large to consider (How has it been ten years since that awful day where I cried from the morning until night? When I came home and hugged my mom tighter than ever before?).
And silly stories about my life. (Our car broke down recently, which was not fun. We've become part of a weekly Friday Night Dinner crowd which is brilliant. Nat's first birthday was a ball. I got to see Matt Smith in person and he reacted to something I yelled out and it was the most amazing thing ever. And why is the Jurassic Park theme coming on my Tron Soundtrack Pandora?!)

I'll have a bit more access to a computer this week, so I'm going to blog as much as possible and maybe even set up ones for future dates, just cause.

In the mean time, here is a bit more of my cute ass kid.

This was her in her little fairy costume for her birthday party. Notice the wings! She was so damn cute that day.

Ok, I'll stop with the pictures. She want's me too. :)

How have you all been?
Lots of love!
-Mags

Things I'm Obsessed With: Doctor Who (Still)

Hey, lovely friends and Bloggers.

A while back I wrote about my love and obsession for Doctor Who, David Tennant, and all things Who related. I wrote that I was devastated that David was leaving, and that I was unsure about the new bloke, Matt Smith, taking over the Tardis. Ten was the best! How could anyone ever replace Tennant? What Companion would best Donna? How would the show be the same without all that made it great?

But change was coming, and I had to deal with it. So when Matt's Doctor Eleven premired at the end of The End of Time, I was really unsure. I was also crying so hard I couldn't think straight. Losing Ten just hurt...and his last line..."I don't want to go." .... I was a sobbing mess on my bed. Lost to my tears and the music and the death of Ten and the Tardis on fire. There was a bright ball of light, and there was Eleven. Here was Matt. He was goofy and silly and LEGS! and all other aborably Doctory things, but I think I was just too raw to care.

But then, a few months later, I sat down for the first episode of the 5th season, "The Eleventh Hour", expecting to have a good time but still a little hurt over Ten being gone. I wanted to give Eleven a chance. He deserved it, afterall, but I knew it would take him a while to win over my heart.

Then we met Amy Pond, the cute little Ginger Scot. And then the Tardis crashed in her back yard, and that floppy haired, drunken giraffe of a Doctor climbed out of a swiming pool and into my good graces. Then...then there was Fish Custard. And adult Amy. And Rory. And the flopsy haired Doctor running about, being really kick ass, and winning me over entirely. Finally, after saving the world in a dead man's clothes, he presented himself, properly, as the Eleventh Doctor, in all his slightly hipster, flopsy haired, long limbed, silly, young, old goofiness.

And you know what?

I LOVED HIM.

And I still love him. I adore Matt Smith as The Doctor. He's amazing in the part. Bright, silly, strong, gentle, sad, hopeful, young, old, and perfect. Matt is perfect.

Don't get me wrong, David will always be MY Doctor, and I will love him always. But David is gone, as is Donna, and the old Tardis, and Martha and Rose. Gone. And that's ok, really it is. Because I really, really love Matt, and Amy, and Rory, and the New Tardis, and the music and stories and Vincent and all of it. ALL OF IT.

They made it so easy to love Eleven and Amy. You wanted to be with them instantly, on their adventures, on the Hipster Tardis. The Space Whale and the return of the Weeping Angels, and those green lizard things, and the Daleks and the vampires and Vincent...Vincent...and Craig and the Pandorica. And yes, even River Song, who I just UUUUUUUGH HATE. So annoying.

And I realize that I've used "And" and very bad writing a lot in this post, but I really don't care. Someone get me a fez.

One of the many ways they made it so easy to love this new version of The Doctor, besides the brilliant writing and how amazingly great Eleven and Amy are, is the music. I can't tell you enough how lovely it is, and what a kick ass job Murray Gold had done. But the single most brilliant part about the new series and the new Doctor?

The Doctor's new theme.

Seriously. I can't stand it. This is one of the most heroic and awesome themes given to any character in the history of characters getting themes! I listen to this song and I want to run. I want to put on my Amy Pond boots, skinny jeans, and run. Not like, run for my health but run to save the world! I want to be in the Tardis, and I want to be with the Doctor.

But if you don't, then there's something wrong with you.

Amy Pond is...just...amazing. She is so spunky and and strong. She can stand up for herself against the Doctor, and anyone really. Her heart is big, her spunk is vast, and she could easily be Donna's little sister. But...Scottish... She deserves to be with The Doctor, and she enjoys her time with him, she's always game for a new adventure. Even better, although I think she has a bit of a thing for The Doctor, unlike Rose and Martha, she's not super annoying about it.

Of course, she has Rory...who is...so lovely. Amy's boyfriend and the butt of many jokes. Sweet, good natured, kind, very, very goofy, and so loving towards Amy. The boy who waited. Rory's storyline made me warm and fuzzy, broke my heart, and filled me with such joy in the end. He's the perfect foil to Amy and The Doctor, and I can't wait to see him come into their own.

And the episodes...especially the last 4, made me love the series even more.
The Doctor and Amy and Vincent Van Gogh fight a monster and Billy Nighy is in it? YES.

The Doctor has to pretend to be human and be a "normal" lodger, renting out a flat with some odd but sweet neightbors? SO YES.

The two-parter season finale with The Pandorica and the Starless Sky and all the bad guys and the music and River being not so annying and Amy's wedding? YESYESYESYESYES.

The Doctor...young and so very old...sitting next to Amy's childhood bed, telling her a story about a mad man in a blue box, his heart breaking, his time short, his voice breaking but strong. And my heart, a puddle of tears on the floor, nervous but excited, in love but in fear.

And then The Doctor dancing...with Dance Arms up in the air...my pants might have exploded.

The 6th season starts very soon and I'm beyond excited. I'm worried and nervous about what's to come, and how River will play into it all. I am freaked out by some of the monsters we've been hinted at and positively DIE when the Doctor, sitting at the desk in the Oval Office, asks the Secret Service, their guns pointed at him, for among other things, 12 Jammy Dodgers and a Fez.

My old post got a lot of random comments from kind people who agreed with me, and it was great. I hope they come back. I hope more sweet people come and read this one. It doesn't say much, but I don't really have much to go into. I am still obsessed with Doctor Who, but I think I always will be.

I should bugger off. Babies are fussy and there is stuff to do.

I love you all!

"It's funny, I thought, if you could hear me, I could hang on, somehow. Silly me. Silly old Doctor. When you wake up, you'll have a mum and dad, and you won't even remember me. Well, you'll remember me a little. I'll be a story in your head. But that's OK: we're all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? Because it was, you know, it was the best: a daft old man, who stole a magic box and ran away. Did I ever tell you I stole it? Well, I borrowed it; I was always going to take it back. Oh, that box, Amy, you'll dream about that box. It'll never leave you. Big and little at the same time, brand-new and ancient, and the bluest blue, ever. And the times we had, eh? Would've had. Never had. In your dreams, they'll still be there. The Doctor and Amy Pond... and the days that never came."

 ♥ Mags

6 Months and So Far

Hey Friends!
Crap on a cracker, it's been too long since I have blogged. So, of course my very first words back to it are "crap on a cracker", but that's Maggi for ya. *does a dance*

I could catch you up on my otherwise simple life, or I can just talk about my kid. And as she's amazing and perfect and so much better than me, I shall talk about her. It's been 6 Months since she was born. 6 Months. My beautiful little girl is already 6 months old, and I can't believe it. She used to look like this:

And now she looks like this:

What? Where did 6 months go? I mean, really? They flew by and now my girl is stronger, brighter, happy as a clam, so sweet, so much fun. She's eating "Solids", or, really, "Mushed up human food". She's chatty in that Baby way, she's a real goof, she has great expressions and her spirit is wonderful. 6 Months. It goes to quick.

UGH. Once a-bloody-gain I try to upload a video and it doesn't work. 

Oh well. 

I miss you all and I miss blogging. I'm still away from it for a bit, but know I miss it. And my creativity is going into story, and that's a good thing. 

Love love love!

I'm going now. 

-Mags

If I Die Before You - Or My New Favorite Song

I'm OBSESSED with this song. I discovered it off the Community Soundtrack (If you're a fan of the show, get the soundtrack. It's wonderful.) and the song is by Ludwig Goransson. He also does the music for the background on the show.

I love this little song because it's silly, hopeful, sweet and happy. Don't let the title fool you, it's a very light hearted and simple love song.

And it's oddly perfect for a little Story remix I'm doing with Jessie right now. Ya know, it's good sometimes to start over. Alt worlds and all of that.

So anyway, it's a new favorite song. And I wanted to share it with you. Do you have any new favorite songs for me to check out?

~*~

Natalie turned on the music and pulled Emma towards her, the two old friends dancing happily and with great silliness. After a moment to laugh at them, David and Matt jumped up and began to dance with the girls. Matt took Natalie's hand and twirled her around while David and Emma did The Running Man. Matt then grabbed his girlfriend and twisted with her, while David and Natalie boggied. Before the song was over, David was waltzing with Natalie while Emma was doubled over in laughter as Matt had busted out The Robot.

Their laughter filled the air of their little apartment, the song's playful and joyous notes surrounding them. It would be a good night. 

This Is My Tuesday: Recaps

Hey all.

All is well in my little life. It's quiet and sweet. We're getting in the Christmas Spirit and Natalie is getting bigger and more amazing every day. Harry Potter 7.1 was AAAAAAAAAAAMAING, and life is, as ever, lovely.

I'm going to, then, work on a few of the past This Is My Tuesday as put on by Red Boots. Cause that's what I want to do. I have Childhood, Friendship, and Happiness. Enjoy.

Childhood:

This was taken around Halloween sometime when I was in the second grade? First grade? I love the taste of wax lips, even still. And I LOVED that green chair...it was velvet and so comfortable. I love my eyebrows and hate my hair. And that shirt...that shirt...I would wear it still.

It's weird to think Natalie is closer to that age than I am...

Friendship:

This one was HARD. Yet, I somehow I knew it would be a picture of Jess and I. I mean, I love all my friends to bits, but this picture always comes to mind when I think of my friends.

Jess and I were at the Jazz Festival in Zofingen, Switzerland in 2004. Cause, when you think of Jazz, you think small Swiss towns. It was taken by the photographer at the festival, and posted online. I love this picture for so many reasons.

We look like sisters, our freckles are popping, I'm wearing a cute dress I only got to wear like three times, including my Dad's wedding a few weeks after this picture was taken, it's in Switzerland on my first trip out of the country and in Jess's home country and her mother's home town. AND our hair was working it that night. So. Cute.

Happiness:

Does it need to be explained?

My little girl.

My heart of hearts.

The utter happiness of my soul.

I love her to no end.

So, those have been my Tuesdays.

I love you all and am grateful for the little comments you've left. I still read your blogs when I can. AND! I can't wait for the Blogger's Lunch to come. 

Off to hang with my family!

<3 Mags



A While Away

Hi Friends.

This hurts me to type, but I think it's time to take a sabbatical from Blogging.

I know. I know. It sucks.

But things are getting weird in my little life, and I need one less thing to feel guilty about. You see, guilt is one of my major faults. I feel it for a lot of reasons. It's lame. Not blogging makes me feel guilty, because of the friendships I have formed and the joy I find in it. So if I openly say I'll be gone for a while, maybe the guilt will be a little less. Maybe. A girl can hope.

But as stated before, we don't have Internet at home, we don't go over to someones house who has it all that often, and I can't blog at work.

They are taking away almost every personal freedom, liberty, and right we have. At work. Seriously. I left a little company I enjoyed for 14 weeks and came back to a quiet, cold prison ran like a tyranny. It is, needless to say and for lack of a better word, lame.

It's really rough, because, as we all know, if you strip every employee of whatever joy they have for the job, productivity DOES NOT get better. They will see. Some how, every good person in that place will leave. Be driven away. And what will happen to them then?

I'd go into it more, but as this blog is public to the world, I feel the need to censer myself. Which I hate but I will, because who knows who looks at this blog.

Besides from that, all my free time goes to sweet little Natalie, who is so wonderful and grand. She's a beautiful little girl, and I love her madly. And Steve, who is too good to be getting the brunt of my three week bad mood. But he is getting it, and hard. And my little apartment, and friends, and family, and a whole host of In Real Life stuff that is taking me away, even when the opportunity to blog comes along. Not to mention that I find when I blog, it takes the creative juices that I should be saving for my other writing.

Ah, who am I kidding? I call myself a writer but will never finish a damn story.

But you can't stop Debbie Downer!

Anyway, friends, dear and lovely friends, Dionne, Tracy, Meghan, Carla, Bryan, every one else, I adore you and your blogs. I will keep up with them when I can, and a part of me will be so sad for not being able to be a part of this world still. Forgive me this break, and however long it'll last. Forgive my life's insanity that keeps me away, and pray that better things come for me. A better life. An easier life. A different way to support my little life.

I hope I don't have to wait too long.

If you have twitter, follow me on there. @MaggiSaar. It's utterly private, because I am more honest on Twitter than I am on here or Facebook, but if you add me (And I know it's you), I'll allow you to see my tweets and we can converse that way. Of course there is always Facebook. And email (maggisaar@yahoo.com). And texts. And calls. And handwritten snail mail letters. All of it is just a little info away, so just let me know how you want to keep up with little ol' me, and so shall it be.

In the mean time, send good thoughts my way, especially between the hours of 5AM-5PM on weekdays, and I promise I will return as soon as I can. And if I never do...well...know I loved this blog. And all my readers. And my Lost Thoughts. And everything that comes with this form of communication.

So off I go, to the tune of the song below. Though I may be a stranger to this blog, don't be a stranger to me. I'd be terribly sad if you did!

So much love for always...
♥ Mags

Ths Is My Tuesday...

I utterly adore the blog Red Boots and the Scottish Lass behind it. I like to think that if we lived near each other, we'd be best of friends. (That's not weird, right?)

She's been doing this project called This Is My Tuesday where she posts a picture for a theme and talks about it. I've been wanting to jump in on it for a while now, and finally get a chance today. The theme is Family....and guess what is coming.

Getting to know my little family over the last 12 weeks has been incredible. Every moment with Natalie has been amazing. Every new adventure, every little lesson, every time she looks at me and smiles. Life is better, happier, lovelier, and sweeter because she's in it.

Life with Steve has been wonderful too. We are better than we've ever been, and I love him more every day. He's the best father and most gracious husband. We laugh a lot, we talk at length, and sometimes we'll just sit and watch our child sleep. To think I've made a little life with my best friend...it's awesome. And sappy. Man, is this getting sappy. I feel I should toss in a crude joke or something.

But I won't.

I realize that my family is the most important thing I'll ever be a part of. And also the most awesome. I know now, the biggest truth in my life, that I am not meant to be a working mom. That I have to be, at least for a little while, devastates me more than I can ever dare to say. I can only pray that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I can go home to my family, and properly stay there. I can hope...oh, can I hope.

That's my Tuesday. At least my thoughts for a Tuesday. My dream for a Tuesday...